The weekend is approaching, the force has awoken, and there’s not a lot in the sporting universe to talk about.* This gives us an opportunity to have some inane fun. And what could be more inane than casting cricketers in Star Wars roles?
I’ve got a very bad feeling about this … but I’ll carry on regardless. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below.
Giles Clarke: The natural choice. The man pulling the strings at the ICC is often public enemy number one. Supporters detest his malevolent machinations but there’s no denying his political skill. A successful ICC coup is all in a day’s work.
Catchphrase: “We’re perfectly safe from your pitiful little rebellion”.
Paul Downton: The Dark Lord has been off our radar for a little while but cricket supporters have long memories. We initially hoped he’d be the chosen one – the man who would bring balance to English cricket – but all he brought was chaos, suspicion, fear and anger. Such things inevitably lead to the dark side.
Catchphrase: “Join me and I’ll complete your legal training”.
Joe Root: Young. Talented. The force is clearly with him. The fresh-faced hero of English cricket is going to save us all. Space gangsters don’t like him but we don’t care. Obviously this analogy completely falls down because Paul Downton isn’t his father. Unless there’s something Mrs Root isn’t telling us.
Catchphrase: “I’m Joe Root. I’m here to rescue you … from two early wickets”.
Alastair Cook: Although he’s very upset that he wasn’t cast as Luke (“how could they do this to me? I’m a farm boy and I’m at least like a son to Paul Downton”) Alastair has landed the prestigious role of Princess Leia instead. Why? Well he’s pretty (apparently), incorruptible (one assumes), was educated to a high level (obviously) and his worshipfulness is clearly in charge of his troops. Just don’t ask him to dress up as Jabba’s slave.
Catchphrase: “I don’t know who you are, or what part of South Africa you came from, but from now on you listen to me”.
Ed Smith, Writer: A protocol droid and master of etiquette, Ed charms everyone with his delightful storytelling and perfect English accent. Apparently he’s fluent in over six million forms of communication. He even understands ECB bullshit. We can neither confirm nor deny that Ed was built by Paul Downton.
Catchphrase: “Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease”.
Richie Benaud: The wise old sage has now shuffled off this mortal coil and become as one with the cricketing force. However, he still appears as a ghostly apparition in Steve Smith’s dreams. You can’t keep a Jedi master down.
Catchphrase: “soon will I rest, yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twightlight is upon me, soon night must fall”.
Kevin Pietersen: A scoundrel and a maverick. Just Princess Alastair’s cup of tea (not). There were many contenders for this part – Ben ‘just blast ‘em’ Stokes narrowly missed out – but KP’s star quality and cocksure persona won the day. Millions love him but millions would like to freeze him in carbonite too.
Catchphrase: “I take orders from one person … me”.
Obi Wan Kenobi
Andrew Strauss: An honourable knight from a more gentlemanly age. Retired from active service but now instrumental behind the scenes. Communicates with Joe Root via telepathy. Common messages include “run Joe run’ whenever he drops the ball into the leg-side, and “trust your feelings … but don’t trust Han Solo”.
Catchphrase: “So what I told the public was true, erm, from a certain point of view”.
Jar Jar Binks
James Whitaker: Bit of a dunce whose rise to political prominence seems to be a result of good timing, fortune and doing the Jedi a favour. It hasn’t been smooth sailing in the job though. A TV gaff is never too far away. Known for his prodigious leaping ability … whenever Giles Clarke says ‘jump’.
Catchphrase: “Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power”
James Taylor: Small, compact and calm in a crisis. He’s multi-functional – good at carrying drinks from Jabba’s barge to the middle – but also capable of dazzling heroics when given the opportunity. Just watch him fire up his afterburners during a run chase.
Catchphrase: “Beep, beep, beep”.
Lord’s pavilion stewards will appear as Storm Troopers: “We’ll need to see your identification”.
Salman Butt will make an appearance as Watto: “Mind tricks don’t work on me. Only money”.
Darren Lehmann and Mark Cosgrove will be sharing the role of Jabba The Hutt: “These Aussies are my kind of scum”.
Andy Flower makes a cameo as Boba Fett: “Put KP Solo in the cargo hold”
Bill Woodfull stars as Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a leg-side trap!”
Peter Moores turns up dressed like Jean Luc Picard: “Where’s Data … oh hang on, that’s Star Trek”.
*NB I wrote this before Jose Mourinho was sacked!