The cricket fan’s guide to the football world cup

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The Football World Cup is upon us once more. It’s a time when iconic prima donnas, who like to exaggerate their pain rather than hide it, roll around on the floor trying to con the officials whilst earning more in two weeks than county cricketers do in their entire careers. However, although professional cricketers are surely a more noble breed (can you imagine an equivalent of walking in football?! ‘oh go on ref, award that penalty, Ronaldo beat me for pace’) we reckon there are some parallels between them. In fact, all England’s footballers all have soul mates from the world the cricket … 

David James – Geraint Jones. Likely to pull off something inspirational – but will inevitably drop the odd clanger (or two, or three)

Glen Johnson – Dwayne Smith. Brilliant in attack, but not so good in defence!

Ashley Cole – Brian Lara. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but bloody brilliant at what he does. Favours the left hand side too.

Ledley King – Syd Lawrence. Likeable, pacey, and a heart the size of Ayres Rock – just a shame about the dodgy knee

John Terry – Kevin Pietersen (sorry KP!) Former skipper, world class player, tall, controversial … but whereas Terry slept with his mate’s Mrs, KP screwed over this coach.

Steven Gerrard – Jesse Ryder. Have both encountered problems after visits to nightspots.

Frank Lampard – Brendon McCullum. Good player but partnership with the aforementioned Ryder hasn’t really clicked.

Joe Cole – Eoin Morgan. A creative, instinctive match-winner – but a bit of a short-arse.

Peter Crouch – Bruce Reid. Always likely to snap in half.

Emile Heskey – Steve Harmison. A much maligned lumbering giant but a real handful on his day

Wayne Rooney – Stuart Broad. Nice natured off the pitch, but likely to abuse the officials

Theo Walcott – Adil Rashid. Huge reputation but hasn’t lived up to the hype yet.

Alright, we admit some of these are a bit tenuous – if you’ve got any better ideas let us know. There’s one major difference that we can’t ignore though: whereas our cricketers have already won a world cup (albeit the T20 one) our footballers are unlikely to get anywhere near.

James Morgan

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